The war on balls – and how to win it

How to win the war America is waging against your balls? Ditch the boxer briefs and skinny jeans.

You’ve heard of the war on Christmas – but that’s all a hoax to distract us from the real secret war in America. They’re after your balls, men. You know, them.

Ever wonder why the family jewels are housed outside your body? Neither did I. But, it turns out there’s a reason we leave the boys hanging, so to speak.

Your dangly bits need a cooler temperature than is readily found inside or close to the body in order to produce healthy sperm in large numbers. If the boys are allowed to hang loose, they stay cool. If you keep them bunched up close to your body, they warm up and your salmon don’t swim upstream so good.

Translation: Wearing boxer briefs and possibly even skinny jeans can decrease your sperm count, lower their motility and reduce the total volume of your ejaculate. Believe me or not, this has actually been backed up by several different scientific studies.

Will boxer briefs kill all your sperm? No.

Can you use boxer briefs as a form of contraception? NO.

Will your balls be happier if you stop cramming them up against your taint? Yes.


8 Ways to motivate your college grad to move out

Recent college graduates are returning to the nest in droves. This is due to many reasons, first and foremost of which is that they chose idiotic majors. Guess what kids? The market for art history majors isn’t very big. Same goes for all of you communications, political science, history, and English majors.

Even for people with majors that are growing and in demand, theres still a ton of competition that places recent grads without work experience in a bit of a bind. So home they come while they continue the hunt.

And sometimes, home they stay. The rent is free. Mom and dad have cable and Netflix and home cooking, and waking up early for work would be a total drag. If your kid is overstaying his welcome, stop being a puss about it. It’s your duty as a parent to get rid of their freeloading asses. Its time for them to become young men and women, and stop sucking on their mommas teat. Babying them isn’t doing them any favors.

Here’s how we “encourage” them to grow up and get on with their lives. Or if you’re reading this as a struggling millennial, this is how you can help motivate yourself.

  1. Charge rent.

The first option may seem pretty aggressive, but it’s not unreasonable. Find out what it would cost for them to have an apartment and charge them some portion of that every month. Even if its only fifty percent, it sends a clear message to them and encourages them to get serious about finding a job while preparing them for the real world that awaits them.

  1. Cut them off

Are you paying for the cellphone bill? Tell them you want them to pay that bill from now on, and set them up separately. Paying for their car insurance? Same deal. The more expenses they incur the more they’ll be driven to find work, or find better work that will enable them to move out. Do you pay for their credit card? Consider canceling it.

  1. Don’t give them spending money

Living at home will become more of a drag if they don’t have any money to go out and have fun. Next time they ask for some cash, turn them down.

  1. Make them earn their spending money.

If you can’t stand telling your darling child no, then take a baby step and make them work for it. Want a room painted? Offer them some equivalent of minimum wage to get it done. Keep the work hard and the pay low. At the very least they’ll be learning some kind of semi-valuable skills that they might find useful later in life (how to paint a house, change a tire, fix a leaky faucet, mow a lawn, etc). More likely than not, they’ll get tired of working for minimum wage for their parents and seek better employment.

  1. Ask them about their successful friends – frequently

If your kids have buddies who you know have moved out and found work, ask your own kids about them frequently. If you raised them at all well and they have even a modicum of self-respect, constantly being reminded that their peers are moving on will shame them into action.

  1. Ask to see their resume

If they say no, chances are they don’t have a resume. No wonder they “cant find” a job. You need to get on their ass in a big way until they write one up. If they do have one, look it over. Are there spelling errors? A resume is a big part of any job application and they’re not going to get hired anywhere if theirs is shitty.

  1. Use cyberwarfare

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that your kid has a facebook or a twitter or an Instagram or more likely all of the above. If you don’t have one it’s time to get one, and become friends with all of their friends as well as them. Once you’ve taken that step, start sending them reminders about their chores via facebook or twitter or Instagram. Make them public so all their buddies can see that dad is reminding them to take out the trash every week and is reminding them what time dinner is every night.

  1. Give them job applications

Don’t just take their word for it that they’re applying for jobs. Verify that this is the case, and verify how aggressive they’re being in the market. If they’re only applying to positions that they’re vastly underqualified for or demanding ridiculous starting salaries you need to step in. The same is true if they’re only applying to one or two positions a month. Filling out a job application doesn’t even take a day. There’s no reason they shouldn’t have applied for a hundred different jobs within a month of moving back home.

If they’re being lazy, make them fill it out in front of you. Yes, just like when they were in first grade and you checked their homework. If your kid is that lazy, you fucked up somewhere along the line and some verification paired with some shaming is called for.

Being Disciplined = Manly

Take a moment and guess what word this dictionary entry corresponds to:

“showing a controlled form of behavior or way of working.”

If you guessed “disciplined”, you nailed it. Taken at face value that definition isn’t very motivating. The word “controlled” doesn’t inspire images of Thermopylae or John Wayne type manliness. It conjures images of calmness, of measured reactions to crisis and well thought out actions, and that is all in direct opposition to the imagery that men are bombarded with in the US today. Today the emphasis is on being connected rather than aloof, on listening to your feelings instead of ignoring them, on emotion instead of control.

There are really two sides to this coin of emotion. On the one hand you’ve got bitchmode. Case in point, men are told that it’s okay to cry. “It’s natural. It’s healing. Let it out sweetheart, it’s good to vent.” All of that crap, I know you’ve heard it. On the flipside you’ve got beastmode. “I’m going to be a fucking animal in the gym today. You only live once. Go ham motherfucker. I wrecked that shit.” Most men live on one side of the coin, albeit not all the time. And both sides suck equally.

No man is a fucking rock. Everybody’s gonna get sad. That’s not a license to cry like a little girl mind you, but being sad isn’t unmanly. That shit is distinctly human. And every man occasionally gets his T up and wants to go “ham” on the world (what is “ham”? does anyone know why that shit is a thing now? this is the only ham I care about). But emotions are a fickle thing. They can come and go, and by and large we can’t easily control which one we’re feeling at any particular point in time. That’s why disciplined = manly, because it keeps you in a controlled steady state. Disciplined = manly because it keeps the fire at a controlled roar – hot enough to drive you forward but not so hot that you’ll burn out in a flash of fury. Use your emotions as fuel, but  stay in control of the fire.

This is the central flaw with the current emphasis on “feeling things”, and
“embracing the way you feel
”. You can control your actions much easier than you can control your emotions, and if you allow the former to be dictated by the latter you’re ceding control of your own life. Don’t. Stuff that shit back down inside of you and ignore it. Want to cry? Suck it up. Want to scream like an animal and punch a hole in a wall? Be a grown ass man and calm yourself down. It’s time to take control of your behavior, to reestablish your self-discipline. Men aren’t little weak bitches but we aren’t animals or beast either. We’re men, and that shit is different. It’s about being as committed as you humanly can be to “showing a controlled form of behavior or way of working.”

In short, being disciplined = manly. It’s manly as all hell. Over the next few weeks we’re going to take aim at your nasty feelings in an attempt to control them, use them, and let you take control over your life.

Profile in manhood – James Harrison

 James Harrison is an outside linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he is our profile in manhood for the week. Harrison was widely dismissed as being too small and too weak to play linebacker in the NFL and went undrafted in 2002. He spent the next two years being repeatedly cut by both the Steelers and the Ravens practice squads, and was forced to play for a time in NFL Europe. After years of struggling to get picked up by an NFL team, Harrison began to take snaps on field for the Steelers and slowly earned his place with the black and gold.

In 2007, after five years of uncertainty and average play, Harrison’s refusal to quit earned him a starting spot and he had a breakout season. Since then he’s been a five time pro bowler, an NFL defensive player of the year, won two Super Bowl rings and had arguably the most impressive play in Super Bowl history when he intercepted Kurt Warner in the red zone, dodging Cardinals as he ran the ball back 100 yards for a touchdown.

Being cut by multiple teams, Harrison almost quit several times to become a veterinarian – but if he did that he wouldn’t be our profile in manhood for the week. In the end he persevered and proved everyone who had doubted his size and strength wrong. But his professional accomplishments aren’t why he’s worthy of our time all these years later.

In 2013 Harrison was released by the Pittsburgh after he couldn’t agree on a new contract and he spent a year playing for the Cincinnati Bengals before being unceremoniously cut by them. He could possibly have found another team after the 2013 season, but his sons wanted their father to be close to home. Rather than chase more money and continue playing, he announced his plans to retire and signed a one day contract so that he could officially retire as a Pittsburgh Steeler.

Now, a man of his accomplishments would be well justified in feeling ill used by the management of both teams. Football can be a cold business, even to players like Harrison who spend most of ten years with the same organization. But Harrison is an outstanding individual. Just a few months after he officially retired, the Pittsburgh Steelers were in a tough spot. Their once vaunted linebackers were a joke and they had lost several starters to injuries.

Old buddies from the Steelers called him at 4:00am knowing the now retired football player would be wide awake and in the gym. Even during retirement his work ethic put most men to shame. The Steelers needed help, and after asking his family, Harrison would answer the call for near the minimum salary. While no longer able to match his pro-bowl performances of years past, Harrison provided leadership and a spark that had been sorely missing in the Pittsburgh defense for the past several years.

Today, Harrison is creeping up on 40 years of age and is still ready to don his uniform for one more season with his brothers.

His willingness to come to his old team’s aid at a massive discount is worthy of respect, but not why we’re profiling him. The reason we feel he’s worthy of our admiration this week is that after all his contributions the Steelers are paying him far less than what he commanded in the past and he plays anyway. They may cut him this offseason or in camp, but you’ll find him posting workout video after workout video nonetheless. The man will not quit- he knows what he wants and he’s going to take it.

The man is no saint, and there are plenty of people who can attest to his many flaws, his savage hits, his angry and checkered past. But James Harrison is our man of the week because of his legendary work ethic, and his devotion to things that are bigger than himself – his family, and his team. He’s well worthy of being a profile in manhood.


Moto Book of the Month – February

Total Recall – My Unbelievably True Life Story

This is the autobiography of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Say what you will about his politics and his personal life – nobody on earth can argue the fact that he was one driven motherfucker. Immigrating to the US a relatively unknown man, he built up his body and his fortune through relentless hard work. Behind the steroids and the endless hours in the gym, Arnold studied the science behind bodybuilding fanatically and engaged in numerous successful business ventures outside of his acting and bodybuilding careers. He is the definition of a self-made man and his book is incredibly motivating for anyone who wants to look better, be a successful business man, or find the same kind of constant inner hunger that propelled him to greatness from very humble beginnings.

3 reasons why the everyman should do his own taxes

It’s tax season ladies, and that pile of paperwork isn’t going anywhere unless you make it. You can always take the easy way out and fork over some of your hard-earned dough to let someone else do it – but unless you’ve got fuck-you money, I heartily recommend you man up and take care of it yourself. This is especially true for young men just starting out in life – learn to take control of your finances or they’ll take control of you. Below are four reasons why your ordinary man should do his own taxes.

  1. It instills a healthy hatred of the IRS

This is the number one reason why every man should do his own taxes. It will make you loath the IRS, and probably the entire federal government as well. And I think a healthy dose of anti-government feeling does a man good, like scotch and ribeye steak.

I know you already hate paying your taxes, but when you actually sit down and go through the convoluted bullshit that is your tax return I promise you there’s a little extra anger that you haven’t tapped into yet.

  1. Its hard

We’ve got a lot of problems in America, and one of the biggest is everybody is looking for the easy way out. Well here’s a fucking secret, life isn’t easy. Neither are your taxes. Put on your big boy panties, be a fucking man and instead of doing the bare minimum for once give a solid effort.

  1. You’ll learn all the loopholes

Aside from the character building benefits of not wussing out on things that are “hard” like your taxes, if you do them yourself you’ll actually learn how the hell they work. Hidden in the US tax code are hundreds of hidden loopholes that you can use to save money. If you just submit the simplest form possible, you could be paying for that easy fix in hundreds or thousands of dollars of rebate money.

4. Today it’s usually as easy as utilizing free software (depending on your income level) which does all the hard work for you. You’ve really got no excuse when these programs are free and do just as good a job at getting you max cash back as a hired accounting firm.

Do your own taxes so that you’ll hate your government more, be a little less of a bitch, and potentially get some serious cash back.