8 Ways to motivate your college grad to move out

Recent college graduates are returning to the nest in droves. This is due to many reasons, first and foremost of which is that they chose idiotic majors. Guess what kids? The market for art history majors isn’t very big. Same goes for all of you communications, political science, history, and English majors.

Even for people with majors that are growing and in demand, theres still a ton of competition that places recent grads without work experience in a bit of a bind. So home they come while they continue the hunt.

And sometimes, home they stay. The rent is free. Mom and dad have cable and Netflix and home cooking, and waking up early for work would be a total drag. If your kid is overstaying his welcome, stop being a puss about it. It’s your duty as a parent to get rid of their freeloading asses. Its time for them to become young men and women, and stop sucking on their mommas teat. Babying them isn’t doing them any favors.

Here’s how we “encourage” them to grow up and get on with their lives. Or if you’re reading this as a struggling millennial, this is how you can help motivate yourself.

  1. Charge rent.

The first option may seem pretty aggressive, but it’s not unreasonable. Find out what it would cost for them to have an apartment and charge them some portion of that every month. Even if its only fifty percent, it sends a clear message to them and encourages them to get serious about finding a job while preparing them for the real world that awaits them.

  1. Cut them off

Are you paying for the cellphone bill? Tell them you want them to pay that bill from now on, and set them up separately. Paying for their car insurance? Same deal. The more expenses they incur the more they’ll be driven to find work, or find better work that will enable them to move out. Do you pay for their credit card? Consider canceling it.

  1. Don’t give them spending money

Living at home will become more of a drag if they don’t have any money to go out and have fun. Next time they ask for some cash, turn them down.

  1. Make them earn their spending money.

If you can’t stand telling your darling child no, then take a baby step and make them work for it. Want a room painted? Offer them some equivalent of minimum wage to get it done. Keep the work hard and the pay low. At the very least they’ll be learning some kind of semi-valuable skills that they might find useful later in life (how to paint a house, change a tire, fix a leaky faucet, mow a lawn, etc). More likely than not, they’ll get tired of working for minimum wage for their parents and seek better employment.

  1. Ask them about their successful friends – frequently

If your kids have buddies who you know have moved out and found work, ask your own kids about them frequently. If you raised them at all well and they have even a modicum of self-respect, constantly being reminded that their peers are moving on will shame them into action.

  1. Ask to see their resume

If they say no, chances are they don’t have a resume. No wonder they “cant find” a job. You need to get on their ass in a big way until they write one up. If they do have one, look it over. Are there spelling errors? A resume is a big part of any job application and they’re not going to get hired anywhere if theirs is shitty.

  1. Use cyberwarfare

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that your kid has a facebook or a twitter or an Instagram or more likely all of the above. If you don’t have one it’s time to get one, and become friends with all of their friends as well as them. Once you’ve taken that step, start sending them reminders about their chores via facebook or twitter or Instagram. Make them public so all their buddies can see that dad is reminding them to take out the trash every week and is reminding them what time dinner is every night.

  1. Give them job applications

Don’t just take their word for it that they’re applying for jobs. Verify that this is the case, and verify how aggressive they’re being in the market. If they’re only applying to positions that they’re vastly underqualified for or demanding ridiculous starting salaries you need to step in. The same is true if they’re only applying to one or two positions a month. Filling out a job application doesn’t even take a day. There’s no reason they shouldn’t have applied for a hundred different jobs within a month of moving back home.

If they’re being lazy, make them fill it out in front of you. Yes, just like when they were in first grade and you checked their homework. If your kid is that lazy, you fucked up somewhere along the line and some verification paired with some shaming is called for.

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