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Recent college graduates are returning to the nest in droves. This is due to many reasons, first and foremost of which is that they chose idiotic majors. Guess what kids? The market for art history majors isn’t very big. Same goes for all of you communications, political science, history, and English majors.

Even for people with majors that are growing and in demand, theres still a ton of competition that places recent grads without work experience in a bit of a bind. So home they come while they continue the hunt.

And sometimes, home they stay. The rent is free. Mom and dad have cable and Netflix and home cooking, and waking up early for work would be a total drag. If your kid is overstaying his welcome, stop being a puss about it. It’s your duty as a parent to get rid of their freeloading asses. Its time for them to become young men and women, and stop sucking on their mommas teat. Babying them isn’t doing them any favors.

Here’s how we “encourage” them to grow up and get on with their lives. Or if you’re reading this as a struggling millennial, this is how you can help motivate yourself.

1. Charge rent.

The first option may seem pretty aggressive, but it’s not unreasonable. Find out what it would cost for them to have an apartment and charge them some portion of that every month. Even if its only fifty percent, it sends a clear message to them and encourages them to get serious about finding a job while preparing them for the real world that awaits them.

2. Cut them off

Are you paying for the cellphone bill? Tell them you want them to pay that bill from now on, and set them up separately. Paying for their car insurance? Same deal. The more expenses they incur the more they’ll be driven to find work, or find better work that will enable them to move out. Do you pay for their credit card? Consider canceling it.

3. Don’t give them spending money

Living at home will become more of a drag if they don’t have any money to go out and have fun. Next time they ask for some cash, turn them down.

4. Make them earn their spending money.

If you can’t stand telling your darling child no, then take a baby step and make them work for it. Want a room painted? Offer them some equivalent of minimum wage to get it done. Keep the work hard and the pay low. At the very least they’ll be learning some kind of semi-valuable skills that they might find useful later in life (how to paint a house, change a tire, fix a leaky faucet, mow a lawn, etc). More likely than not, they’ll get tired of working for minimum wage for their parents and seek better employment.

5. Ask them about their successful friends – frequently

If your kids have buddies who you know have moved out and found work, ask your own kids about them frequently. If you raised them at all well and they have even a modicum of self-respect, constantly being reminded that their peers are moving on will shame them into action.

6. Ask to see their resume

If they say no, chances are they don’t have a resume. No wonder they “cant find” a job. You need to get on their ass in a big way until they write one up. If they do have one, look it over. Are there spelling errors? A resume is a big part of any job application and they’re not going to get hired anywhere if theirs is shitty.

7. Use cyberwarfare

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that your kid has a facebook or a twitter or an Instagram or more likely all of the above. If you don’t have one it’s time to get one, and become friends with all of their friends as well as them. Once you’ve taken that step, start sending them reminders about their chores via facebook or twitter or Instagram. Make them public so all their buddies can see that dad is reminding them to take out the trash every week and is reminding them what time dinner is every night.

8. Give them job applications

Don’t just take their word for it that they’re applying for jobs. Verify that this is the case, and verify how aggressive they’re being in the market. If they’re only applying to positions that they’re vastly underqualified for or demanding ridiculous starting salaries you need to step in. The same is true if they’re only applying to one or two positions a month. Filling out a job application doesn’t even take a day. There’s no reason they shouldn’t have applied for a hundred different jobs within a month of moving back home.

If they’re being lazy, make them fill it out in front of you. Yes, just like when they were in first grade and you checked their homework. If your kid is that lazy, you fucked up somewhere along the line and some verification paired with some shaming is called for.

It’s tax season ladies, and that pile of paperwork isn’t going anywhere unless you make it. You can always take the easy way out and fork over some of your hard-earned dough to let someone else do it – but unless you’ve got fuck-you money, I heartily recommend you man up and take care of it yourself. This is especially true for young men just starting out in life – learn to take control of your finances or they’ll take control of you. Below are four reasons why your ordinary man should do his own taxes.

1. It instills a healthy hatred of the IRS

This is the number one reason why every man should do his own taxes. It will make you loath the IRS, and probably the entire federal government as well. And I think a healthy dose of anti-government feeling does a man good, like scotch and ribeye steak.

I know you already hate paying your taxes, but when you actually sit down and go through the convoluted bullshit that is your tax return I promise you there’s a little extra anger that you haven’t tapped into yet.

2. Its hard

We’ve got a lot of problems in America, and one of the biggest is everybody is looking for the easy way out. Well here’s a fucking secret, life isn’t easy. Neither are your taxes. Put on your big boy panties, be a fucking man and instead of doing the bare minimum for once give a solid effort.

3. You’ll learn all the loopholes

Aside from the character building benefits of not wussing out on things that are “hard” like your taxes, if you do them yourself you’ll actually learn how the hell they work. Hidden in the US tax code are hundreds of hidden loopholes that you can use to save money. If you just submit the simplest form possible, you could be paying for that easy fix in hundreds or thousands of dollars of rebate money.

4. Today it’s usually as easy as utilizing free software (depending on your income level) which does all the hard work for you. You’ve really got no excuse when these programs are free and do just as good a job at getting you max cash back as a hired accounting firm.

Do your own taxes so that you’ll hate your government more, be a little less of a bitch, and potentially get some serious cash back.

 

 

There are more than 10 books that are worthy of inclusion here and it’s probably there will be some follow ups with worthy additions. But here, in no particular order, are 10 books every man in America should read.

1. The US Constitution

The first of our ten books every man in America should read is the most important. This is one you need to read several times. I know some of you are out there rolling your eyes, but before you skim down to the next item on the list answer a couple questions for me. If you’re not sure about the answers, consider being a good citizen and reading it over again. Don’t be one of those assholes who can’t name the three branches of government, let alone accurately describe their different functions. Read it twice, it’ll take you fifteen minutes and you’ll be a better man for it.

Which amendment specifically gives you your right to privacy? Does the Constitution grant everyone the right to vote?

The answers: No amendments give you a specific right to privacy. The courts invented that for you under the ninth amendment which says more or less that other rights may exist that are not explicitly mentioned elsewhere. And the Constitution does not grant everyone the right to vote. Felons, for example, cannot vote in many states. If the constitution provided the right to vote for all, they’d be able to regardless of their criminal history.

2. The Call of the Wild – Jack London

This is a great book. It’s simple, but engrossing and along the way you learn as much about people as you do about wolves. I don’t feel the need to explain this one much. Read it.

3. For Whom the Bell Tolls – Ernest Hemingway

I’m sure everyone has heard the cliché, “War is hell.” Unfortunately it’s a hell that seems to crop up an awful lot, and one that most Americans have misconceptions of. There are more losers than winners, more pain and loss than there is gain. Hemingway does an outstanding job of conveying that war is not a glorious experience and right and wrong are not always black and white. In the face of that, For Whom the Bell Tolls also explores the sacrifices men will make for their comrades and their love of country.

4. The Killer Angels – Michael Shaara

Michael Shaara wrote an entire book about the battle of Gettysburg, and it’s well worth reading. The battle is told from the point of view of both sides and from varied perspectives across the field including Robert E. Lee and Joshua Chamberlain. Gettysburg was the turning point in the Civil War and is a battle that we all know of yet know little about. Michael Shaara did his homework and it shows. His book is extremely educational but also a real page-turner. It captures the consequences, both good and bad, a commanders decision on the field can have for those below him as well as the terrible losses that come for both sides of the field.

5. Master and Commander – Patrick O’Brian

I admit a bit of favoritism here. I discovered Patrick O’Brian’s work at a young age and spent almost an entire semester of school lost in his books. In fact I damn well almost failed the seventh grade because of this man. Aside from captivating me he greatly enhanced my reading ability and my vocabulary. If reading is a struggle for you, I would recommend working up to him after Twain, London, Shaara, and Oates.

6. Moby Dick – Herman Melville

As iconic a work of American Literature as any, Moby Dick needs no explanation. It’s an excellent yarn that is well told and can deliver a powerful message if you let it. If you don’t, it’s still a damn good story. Also a difficult read for some, I reckon if you’ve read O’Brian you can probably tackle this one.

7. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain

This one should also require no explanation. Twain’s writing style has a way of being accessible to the young while still engaging for the mature.

8. The Wealth of Nations – Adam Smith

Adam Smith’s book is here because we live in a free market society. If you want to thrive and do well in that environment, you should understand its underpinnings. Know what the invisible hand means and how it operates, and then you can use that knowledge to your advantage. Much like many people will rattle on and on about politics but are completely ignorant of the Constitution, folks like to talk about capitalism and economics who have never heard of Adam Smith. Don’t be one of those people.

9. Let the Trumpet Sound: A Life of Martin Luther King, Jr – Stephen B. Oates

This is the most complete, well researched and well written biography of a man who we all have heard of, but know very little about. Sure, he helped to grow and then led the civil rights movement. He was killed while giving a speech. He famously said “I have a dream.” Beyond that most Americans can’t tell you much about him, and they should be able to. This book is particularly good because it does not attempt to deify him, or to bestow any honors upon him.

The book leaves you with the knowledge that he was a great leader and orator, but also a man who for example, cheated on his wife. Oates doesn’t present us with the image of a saint, but with that of a great, but imperfect man. We can all aspire to that and that’s why it makes our list of 10 books every man in America should read.

10. Don Quixote – Cervantes

Don Quixote is considered to be the great-great granddaddy of all novels. Within its pages you will no doubt find yourself reading along and thinking that the current subplot sounds familiar. It is, because Cervantes was the first man to come up with many of your basic, common story lines in novels today. This is without a doubt the most difficult book on this list, and that in and of itself is one of the reasons I advocate that all men should read this book.

Let me put it like this – reading this book is to western literature as reading the Constitution is to American government or reading the Bible is to Christianity.

And you know that snobby fucker you always run into, with the air of superiority and a fancy degree from a big name school? You know who I mean, there’s always one of those guys around. Probably has an English degree or maybe he majored in political “science”? Odds are he never read Cervantes cover to cover because it was too damn hard for him. This is a tough one and the last of my ten books every man in America should read.